Let me address the myth that men don't like to talk. While it is true that getting men to speak initially is difficult, they will not stop talking once you get past the surface level. In month one, I usually have to work to keep the conversation going, but after a couple of months, I have to work to get them to stop talking so we can get started.
Get shoulder-to-shoulder. Men don't like to open up face-to-face. I have the best results when we do things together, like helping each other on a project around the house or taking a road trip. It is while rubbing shoulders that most men have their best conversations. You have to get out of the group setting from time to time. As Tim LaFleur says, "No contact, no impact."
Go first. Let them see behind the curtain of your life. Most men feel like they are the only ones struggling. You don't have to share your deepest, darkest secrets, but sharing your past struggles will help them with their current struggles.
Ask how God factored in. I like to ask fundamental questions and then ask how God factored into their decision. If they factor God into their decision, they will love to tell you about it. If they push back or get defensive, that is all the answer I need. The Holy Spirit will use your questions and the group discussion to bring conviction in His time.
Prompt for real prayer requests. Most people hide behind a vague request instead of opening up to the group. Sometimes you will have to prompt them to share by asking how their marriage is or about some struggle they have.
Tips for guiding the discussion:
- Establish ground rules. No interrupting, respect different viewpoints, and share speaking time.
- Create a safe space. Emphasize confidentiality and nonjudgmental responses.
- Use guided questions. Prepare specific, open-ended questions related to the topic.
- Encourage questions. It is okay not to know the answer to every question.
- Monitor talk time. To balance participation, you can say, "Let's hear from someone who hasn't spoken yet."
- Redirect the conversation. If the discussion veers off-topic, steer it back with a question.
- Use theological anchors. Reference Scripture to keep the discussion sound.
- Use "I" statements. Encourage personal sharing over generalizations.
- Handle disagreements with grace.
